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christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

boiled new potatoes, sour cream, bacon bits, cheese, chives

broccoli florets (i topped off two large spears), shredded cheddar or cheddar blend, sour cream (i used light), dijon mustard, milk (or if you re not worried about the fat, use half n half), salt and pepper to taste, paprika

cream cheese, softened, butter, softened, flour, egg, brown sugar, vanilla, chopped pecans, semi-sweet chocolate, melted

brownie mix, eggs, canola oil, water, white cake mix, canola oil, water, egg whites

fresh strawberries, sliced, seedless green grapes, halved, bananas, peeled and sliced, strawberry yogurt

butter, softened, white sugar, egg, vanilla extract, all-purpose flour, baking powder, raspberry preserves

cold strong brewed coffee, powdered non-dairy creamer, white sugar, unsweetened cocoa powder, vanilla extract, cubes ice, vegetable oil, second spray of cooking spray

vegetable oil, white sugar, vinegar, grated onion, dry mustard powder, salt, coleslaw mix, frozen green peas, thawed, dry-roasted peanuts, poppy seeds

sushi rice , quick cooking rice or 1/2 cup brown rice, red wine vinegar, unrefined sugar, nori wrap, julienned spinach and red cabbage, cooked tofu (any way you like), green onion

dark bread , unsliced, scallions, chopped, garlic, finely minced, butter, cream cheese, softened and cut into chunks, sour cream, cheddar cheese, grated, artichoke hearts , water-packed, cut into pieces, frozen chopped spinached thawed and drained well, serve with thin slices of garlic bread and/or bread cubes and/or crackers

boneless skinless chicken breasts or thighs, fat-free cream of chicken soup, italian dressing mix, cream cheese, margarine

dozen eggs , large, bacon chop up, brown and serve sausage links, green pepper, cream cheese (8 oz), milk, milk, sliced mushrooms, salt

fresh mint sprigs, plant stalk and all, water, vanilla extract, baby shampoo

cinnamon sweet potatoes, sweet potatoes, crushed pineapple, brown sugar, hot cinnamon candies, ground cinnamon, reserved pineapple juice, marshmallows

all-purpose flour, sugar (granulated ), butter (1 stick), shortening, strong brewed coffee or water, dark, unsweetened cocoa - hershey s cocoa is great, buttermilk, eggs, baking soda, vanilla, butter (1 stick), dark cocoa, milk, powdered sugar, vanilla