312 gran scottish Recipes

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

eggs, beaten, sugar, self-rising flour (don tsp substitute any other flour for this 1!), milk, vanilla extract, butter, melted (don tsp substitute margarine!), coconut (or, freshly grated, if you like )

superfine sugar, ground cinnamon, ground cardamom, ground ginger, ground allspice, salt, unbleached all-purpose flour, butter, softened

cream cheese, grated fresh lemon zest, fresh lemon juice, chopped fresh chives, salt, black pepper, by 5-inch) oval slices dark pumpernickel sandwich bread (about 1/3 inch thick ), sliced scottish smoked salmon, salmon roe (2 oz)

plain flour or 7 oz all-purpose flour, sugar, butter, salt (small)

steel cut oats, skim milk, water, cinnamon (also good with pumpkin pie spice), dark brown sugar, light maple syrup, vanilla extract, golden raisin (optional), pecans, chopped (optional), salt

aberdeen angus steaks or 2 (200 g) sirloin steaks, salted butter, green peppercorns, lightly crushed, scotch whisky (a good blend such as bells, teachers or famous grouse), scottish heather honey (optional), double cream, beef stock, cleaned sliced fresh wild field mushrooms or 50 g button mushrooms, coarse grain mustard, salt, fresh ground black pepper

butter (have used vegan margarine with good results), rolled oats, all-purpose white flour, whole wheat pastry flour, sugar (may sub splenda), baking powder, baking soda, salt, raisins (i have subbed these out with dates and dried cranberries in the past), egg, lightly beaten, nonfat plain yogurt (may use soy with good results), canola oil

butter or 1/2 cup margarine, brown sugar, quick-cooking rolled oats (20 minutes), salt, baking powder

smoked haddock, onion, peeled and finely chopped, milk, butter, cooked mashed potatoes, salt and pepper, bay leaf, chopped parsley, water, toast points (as an accompaniment)

unsalted butter, el rey gran saman dark chocolate (70 percent cacao) or scharffen berger dark chocolate (70 percent cacao), finely chopped, el rey bucare dark chocolate (58.5 percent cacao), finely chopped, light brown sugar, granulated sugar, eggs, lightly beaten, dark rum, pure vanilla extract, all-purpose flour, salt, unsweetened medium flaked coconut or 1 cup fresh coconut, grated on the medium side of a box grater, unsalted roasted cashews, coarsely chopped, chopped cacao nibs

whole milk, vanilla bean, egg yolks, sugar, honey, cornstarch, flour, salt, baking powder, dry yeast, warm water, milk, vegetable oil, for frying, cinnamon and powdered sugar, for dusting, hulled and quartered strawberries, diced pineapple, sliced bananas, sherry, brown sugar, chopped mint, sherry vinegar, honey

butter, brown sugar , packed, flour, nuts, gran. sugar, cream cheese, eggs, milk, lemon juice, vanilla or almond extract.

a/p flour, baking powder, grated lemon zest, gran. sugar, plus extra for topping muffins, eggs, milk, poppy seeds, salt, unsalted butter

thawed frozen raspberries, less cup gran. sugar, chambord ( or a nipa)

oatmeal, whole wheat pastry flour, salt, baking powder, butter, honey, boiling water

all-purpose flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, baking soda, cream of tartar, cold unsalted butter , cut into 1/2-inch pieces, well-shaken buttermilk, egg, beaten, vegetable oil for greasing

sultanas (seedless white raisins), butter or 4 oz firm margarine, cut up into small pieces, sugar, self raising flour (or all-purpose flour with baking powder), eggs, beaten, chopped nuts (optional), drops almond essence, salt