105 sayings Recipes

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

butter, brown sugar , packed, eggs, self-raising flour (the recipe says to use self-raising cake/pastry flour), salt, cinnamon, fresh nutmeg, grated, bananas, mashed (ripe ), mango, peeled and pureed (ripe ), golden raisin, walnuts, chopped

sugar-free instant vanilla pudding mix (just says pudding), skim milk (just says milk) or 1 cup 1% low-fat milk (just says milk), vanilla protein powder (2 scoops) or 2 -4 tbsp unflavored protein powder (2 scoops), canned pumpkin (canned not pumpkin pie), pumpkin pie spice

chicken breasts (or pork cutlets or medalions, whatever you prefer), egg, beaten, flour, panko breadcrumbs (really use this not bread crumbs, makes all the difference), oil, for frying, salt and pepper, to taste, s &b curry roux (thi will be in the golden or black box that ay &b golden curry auce mix, in your a ian ai le.), garlic cloves, sliced and toasted till golden brown, don tsp burn, mozzarella cheese, shredded (use the cheap brick cheese in the cheese aisle and cube, not pre-shedded, not the fresh balls), rice, to serve with

chopped yellow onion, diced yellow pepper, diced red pepper, chicken broth (if you like it thicker or thinner), diced tomato, diced turkey kielbasa, drained black beans (i only use 1 can but the recipe says 2), hot salsa (i get the fresh kind in the deli), chopped fresh cilantro, olive oil

mild sausage (you can use less, but more is more , i say), cornstarch (heaping), nonfat milk, heavy cream, sour cream, room temperature, black pepper, salt, seasoning salt, cayenne pepper (optional)

chocolate fudge cake mix, water (should say 1 and one-third cups ), eggs, canola oil (should say 1-third cup ), ground pecans, cold milk, instant chocolate fudge pudding mix, seedless raspberry jam, chopped pecans, fresh raspberry

firm ripe peaches, granulated sugar, lemon juice (it says fresh i used a bottle also i read it wrong and used 4 tbsp where it says tsp worked out anyw), cornstarch, cinnamon, ground nutmeg, flour , all purpose is fine, granulated sugar, granulated sugar, brown sugar, vanilla extract, butter, cut into 6 pieces (it says unsalted and to add salt i just used salted butter), sliced almonds

granulated sugar, evaporated milk, butter (i used unsalted), salt, marshmallows, semisweet chocolate morsels (i use what i have on hand), chopped pecans (i use 1 1/4 cups and dh says i need to use more) or 1 cup walnuts (i use 1 1/4 cups and dh says i need to use more), vanilla extract (i use home-made)

rice wine vinegar, fresh lime juice, purred chipotle chile in adobo, honey, kosher salt, chopped cilantro, stems and leaves, oil (the recipe says canola, but i used olive )

unsalted butter, head cauliflower (about 2 lb), cheddar cheese, grated and divided, breadcrumbs, homemade coarse, whole egg, kosher salt, mustard powder, smoked paprika, black pepper, freshly ground, cayenne pepper, heavy cream

sugar, cornstarch, water, egg yolks, (slightly beaten ), butter, crushed pineapple, recipe doesn tsp say how much pineapple so i am going to say 1 1/4 cup.

sugar-free lime gelatin (each sachet say 4 portions, grams vary) or 2 (1/3 oz) packages sugar-free lemon gelatin (each sachet say 4 portions, grams vary), quark, mullerlight lemon cheesecake yogurt (or similar lemon yoghurt), oranges, lemon, sponge cake fingers, chocolate shavings, to decorate

canola oil, onion, chopped, green bell pepper, chopped, stalks celery, chopped, garlic, minced, canola oil, all-purpose flour, vegetable broth, diced tomatoes, vegetable broth, eggplant, peeled and chopped, chopped okra, red beans, drained and rinsed, salt, dried thyme, dried basil, gumbo file powder, cayenne pepper, ground black pepper, paprika, ground cumin, liquid smoke flavoring, bay leaves, vegetable broth, divided

lean ground beef, onion, peeled and diced, taco seasoning (i used penzeys bold), fat-free refried beans (i used old el paso), flour tortillas (the package says medium for the size), cream of mushroom soup (i used campbells), red enchilada sauce (i used pace mild ), cheddar cheese (i used two cups of kraft s shredded lowfat mexican 4-cheese blend )

go to the crafts store., purchase 1 or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan., go home ., unwrap the dried fruit , carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic., mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks baked in the batter. let dry., take your fruitcake out of the disposable cake pan ., cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit., wrap your fruitcake in festive , colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. i like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the fruitcake., give your fruitcake to someone you want to impress. when they lift it, they ll say, wow! you must have made a really rich fruitcake! don tsp forget to smile and say, oh, its paris-style fruitcake., worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. nobody actually eats fruitcake... that s just a rumor. just so you know, the dried fruit won go bad because it has the same preservatives as twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.