4 don say Recipes

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

all-purpose flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, butter, softened, brown sugar, white sugar, eggs, vanilla extract, chocolate chips

risotto with sausage and cranberry beans, make risotto , you absolutely must use a specific type of rice called arborio rice (carnaroli and vialone nano are also used, some say superior, but are more difficult to find). these types of rice release starch when stirred in a liquid; it is this process which makes risotto, otherwise you just have a starchy mess of mush. these types of rice are identified by their fat round grains and pearly appearance. they can be used to make other sorts of rice dishes, such as pilaf, but other types of rice cannot be used for risotto. arborio is no longer that much of a specialty product; it can be found in most large, well-stocked grocery stores in the italian section. or sometimes, misguidedly, in the asian section., okay , so now we have the rice. you will also need some good, low-salt stock or broth - it should be low-salt not for health reasons, but because a good deal of it will evaporate, leaving its salt behind, and i like to have more control over the salt in a dish. it can be homemade, but i m not going to be a snob about it because, in truth, we go through gallons of store-bought stock in this household and i don tsp see that changing anytime soon. furthermore, risotto is actually a dish which can be whipped up out of thin air when it seems as though you have nothing to eat, as long as you have butter, rice, stock, maybe a few herbs, and some leftover parmesan. i like the kind of stock purchased in tetrapak cartons, because they are resealable and can be put in the fridge and used as needed. if you really want to use homemade but you don tsp have time to make stock or don tsp like the aroma of roasting bones in your house (i don tsp blame you), you can buy really great stock at north market poultry and game - it is expensive, but can be diluted with a 2- or 3-to-1 ratio of water to stock, so it stretches. my general guideline is to plan on 1/4 cup dry rice per person, and about 4 cups of stock to 1 cup of rice. of course, this isn tsp exact and will vary depending on your elevation and the phases of the moon, but it s a good place to start. i usually just use 4 cups of stock and then dilute with water or wine (or sometimes beer, if that s all i have) if i feel i m going to run out., well, we have rice and stock covered, now we just need our setup: place the stock in a saucepan on your rear burner, bring to a simmer, and leave it there with a 6-8 oz ladle in, and place a large, wide saute pan (must be really large, plan that your rice will at least quadruple in size) or dutch oven on the burner in front. get out your favorite wooden spoon and flex your stirring arm., nice thing about using sausage is it s so full of flavor you can leave out the usual onion/garlic/shallot/celery nonsense if you re tired and don tsp feel like chopping. furthermore, sausage goes from the freezer to the pan without suffering too much. okay, let s go, risotto with sausage and cranberry beans - serves 4, links italian sausage , or 1 lb bulk (or hot, or a combination - definitely with some fennel), casings removed, cooked cranberry beans or 1 can white beans, drained, arborio rice, beef , chicken or vegetable stock, butter, freshly, finely grated parmesan cheese , plus more for garnish, an oz) flat-leaf parsley, chopped finely, lemon juice , or juice from 1/2 lemon, salt and black pepper to taste, red pepper flakes to taste, optional, good balsamic vinegar , optional