22 christmas outs Recipes

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

margarine or butter, marshmallows, vanilla extract (optional), holiday rice krispies* cereal, prepared green icing

shortening, light brown sugar, eggs, anise extract, all-purpose flour, baking powder, salt, milk

all-purpose flour, cream of tartar, baking soda, ground nutmeg, ground cinnamon, butter, softened, white sugar, eggs, beaten, vanilla extract, sugar, butter, softened, vanilla extract, milk

butter, softened, cream cheese, softened, sugar, egg, vanilla, all-purpose flour

sugar, eggs, shortening, sour cream, vanilla, flour (this can vary a bit. it should be dry enough to roll out and not be messy, but moist enough not to b), salt, baking soda

there is 1 christmas carol that has always baffled me ., what in the world do leaping lords , french hens, swimming swans , and especially the partridge who won tsp come out, pear tree have to do with christmas today, i found out., until 1829, roman catholics in england were, not permitted to practice their faith openly. someone, during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young catholics., it has two levels of meaning : the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember., partridge in a pear tree was jesus christ ., two turtle doves were the old and new testaments., three french hens stood for faith, hope and love., four calling birds were the four gospels of matthew , mark, luke & john., five golden rings recalled the torah or law, the first five books of the old testament., six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation., seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the holy spirit--prophesy , serving, teaching, exhortation , contribution, leadership, and mercy., eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes ., nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the holy spirit--love , joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness , gentleness, and self control., ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments ., eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples., twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the apostles creed ., there is your history for today. this knowledge was shared with me and i found it interesting and enlightening and now i know how that strange song became a christmas carol

go to the crafts store., purchase 1 or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan., go home ., unwrap the dried fruit , carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic., mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks baked in the batter. let dry., take your fruitcake out of the disposable cake pan ., cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit., wrap your fruitcake in festive , colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. i like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the fruitcake., give your fruitcake to someone you want to impress. when they lift it, they ll say, wow! you must have made a really rich fruitcake! don tsp forget to smile and say, oh, its paris-style fruitcake., worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. nobody actually eats fruitcake... that s just a rumor. just so you know, the dried fruit won go bad because it has the same preservatives as twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

egg whites, icing sugar, whole almonds, unblanched plus an extra 50g if required, lemon , juice of, ground cinnamon, white sugar (for rolling out )

vegetable shortening, granulated sugar, grated orange or lemon zest, pure vanilla extract, egg, milk, all-purpose flour, plus extra for rolling out dough, baking powder, fine salt, egg yolk, sugar, milk, pasteurized egg white

cookie crumbs (butter cut-out or shortbread type cookies), melted butter, vanilla ice cream, peppermint extract, crushed candy cane

butter, shortening, sugar, eggs, flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, sour cream, vanilla

butter , 2 sticks, sugar, egg, teasp. vanilla, flour, teasp. baking powder, teasp salt

sugar, shortening, eggs, salt, vanilla extract, sour cream, mixed with, baking soda (mix in a bigger bowl bigger than volume of ingredients because it will expand), baking powder, all-purpose flour

butter, at room temperature, granulated sugar, sugar, egg substitute , like egg beaters, vanilla extract, butter flavor extract, all-purpose flour, baking powder, salt

granulated sugar, powdered sugar, softened butter, vegetable oil, vanilla extract, eggs, all-purpose flour, baking soda, cream of tartar, salt

shortening, granulated artificial sweetener, egg, cake flour, salt, baking powder, skim milk, water, vanilla extract

butter, sugar, eggs, beaten, baking soda, flour, cream of tartar