3222 uncle bill christmas fruitcake Recipes

fruitcake, finely chopped, dark rum (or to taste), vanilla ice cream, softened slightly, heavy cream, well chilled, candied fruit, for garnish if desired (optional)

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

skinless, boneless chicken breast halves skinless , boneless chicken breast halves, eggs, buttermilk, dried bread crumbs, grated parmesan cheese, garlic powder, salt, ground black pepper, dried dill weed, butter, melted

distilled white vinegar, white sugar, frozen pineapple juice concentrate, monosodium glutamate (msg), ketchup, soy sauce, seasoning salt, garlic powder, water, cornstarch

whole turkey, salt, pepper, granulated garlic powder, water, extra virgin olive oil , if required (or more)

russet potatoes or 4 large yukon gold potatoes, onion, sliced thin, butter (or more if required), extra virgin olive oil, granulated garlic powder, dried dill weed, salt, black pepper

extra virgin olive oil, chopped onion, water, diced zucchini, diced carrot, peeled, canned cannellini beans or 1 cup you may use other white beans, diced celery, dried basil or 2 tbsp finely chopped fresh basil, dried oregano, salt, fresh coarse ground black pepper, canned plum tomatoes, dice and include liquid, garlic cloves, minced, uncooked ditalini or 1/4 cup elbow macaroni

lean ground beef, eggs, beaten, chopped onion, crushed soda crackers or 1/2 cup fine dry breadcrumb, granulated garlic powder, salt, black pepper, hickory barbecue sauce, olive oil (for frying )

zucchini , - 8 inches long, eggs, beaten, whole milk , homogenized, all-purpose flour, seasoning salt, cracker crumb (saltines), extra virgin olive oil (for deep frying) or 2 cups vegetable oil (for deep frying), bearnaise sauce mix

sweet red peppers, seeded and cored, grain white rice or 1 1/4 cups brown rice, chicken broth, extra virgin olive oil, lean ground beef, chopped onion, celery rib, finely chopped, sliced fresh mushrooms, carrots, peeled and grated, granulated garlic powder, salt, black pepper, tomatoes , crush and include liquid, dried dill weed, ketchup, water, grated mozzarella cheese

ear of corn, plastic wrap, enough to wrap the cob completely, butter, sprinkling salt

red pineapple rings, in syrup, green pineapple rings, in syrup, whole pecans, blanched almond, whole red maraschino cherries, whole green maraschino cherries, golden seedless raisins, brandy, of your choice (5th u.s., do not buy expensive brandy ), all-purpose flour (divided ), butter, softened, eggs, beaten, whole milk , homogenized, baking soda, almond extract, granulated sugar, brown sugar (light or dark ), ground mace, ground cinnamon, apricot brandy , for basting

go to the crafts store., purchase 1 or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan., go home ., unwrap the dried fruit , carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic., mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks baked in the batter. let dry., take your fruitcake out of the disposable cake pan ., cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit., wrap your fruitcake in festive , colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. i like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the fruitcake., give your fruitcake to someone you want to impress. when they lift it, they ll say, wow! you must have made a really rich fruitcake! don tsp forget to smile and say, oh, its paris-style fruitcake., worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. nobody actually eats fruitcake... that s just a rumor. just so you know, the dried fruit won go bad because it has the same preservatives as twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

fruitcake (from 1 large loaf see alternate presentations), coffee ice cream

fruitcake (about 1 1/4 lb), frozen blueberries, thawed, plain yogurt

uncle ben s natural whole grain brown rice, chicken breast halves (about 3 lb), onion, diced, red bell pepper, diced, chili, water, prepared salsa, frozen corn kernels, cilantro, chopped

christmas plum pudding, milk, double cream, vanilla ice cream, brandy

christmas honey fruit drops, mixed chopped candied fruits and peels , chopped candied cherries, raisins, and chopped pecans, bourbon, brown sugar, honey, butter or margarine, eggs, all purpose flour, baking soda, ground cinnamon, ground nutmeg, baking powder, dairy sour cream, combine fruits , nuts, and bourbon. cover, let stand several hours. in mixer bowl cream sugar, honey, and butter or margarine. beat in eggs. mix dry ingredients. add to creamed mixture alternately with sour cream. stir fruit mixture into creamed mixture. drop by tsp onto greased cookie sheet. bake in 350 degree oven for 10 to 12 minutes. cool on wire rack. frost, if desired. makes about 5 dozen cookies.