66 his Recipes

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

active dry yeast (2 1/2 tsp), honey, warm water (105 115 f), bread flour or 2 cups hi-gluten flour, plus additional, bread flour or hi-gluten flour, for kneading, whole wheat flour, extra virgin olive oil, salt, cornmeal , for sprinkling baking sheets

strong plunger espresso coffee, cooled to room temp, tia maria (or another liqueur, but the coffee flavour is really enhanced), eggs, separated, caster sugar, mascarpone cheese, cream (anything that will hold the peaks heavy whipping works fine as will anything 36% milkfat or hi), ladyfingers (savoiardi), cocoa powder , for dusting

kool-aid powdered orange breakfast drink mix (made up ), pineapple juice, hi-cup orange soda, sprite or 6 cups 7-up soda, scoops pineapple sherbet

lemon juice, grated ginger, garlic cloves, crushed, jalapeno chile, chopped, chopped cilantro, chili powder, wildwood hi-protein super firm sproutofu , cut into cubes, vegetable oil, onion, chopped in 1-inch long thin slices, turmeric powder, plain yogurt, wildwood plain soymilk, some chopped cilantro (to garnish ), season with salt

butter, divided, flour, cut asparagus spears , reserving 2 tbsp liquid, sour cream, grated very mild cheddar cheese (etc.) or 1 cup monterey jack cheese (etc.), salt, pepper, hot sauce, crumbled saltines or 1/4 cup hi-ho cracker

olive oil, onion, chopped, garlic cloves, minced, carrots, peeled and sliced, fresh thyme sprigs, leaves stripped off stem, bay leaf, chicken stock , boxed or home made, wide egg noodles , cooked according to box instructions, cooked chicken, shredded, salt and pepper to taste, flat leaf parsley, finely chopped to garnish (optional), his recipe also calls for 2 celery stalks, slice lengthwise and then diced but neither of us care for cooked celery so i left it out.

vegetable oil, extra-large egg, cream-style cottage cheese, sour cream, lemons , zest of, grated, salt, lemon pepper, baking soda, unbleached white flour, hi-gluten flour, yeast, water, dry buttermilk

water, 115 degrees, agave nectar, salt, yeast, stone ground whole wheat flour, vital wheat gluten, wheat bran, starch , hi-maize resistant, dough enhancer

mango, diced small, diced red onion, diced red bell pepper, diced green bell pepper, chopped chives, lemon, juiced, honey, rice wine vinegar, salt and freshly ground black pepper, chicken stock, white rice, salt, butter, dried italian seasoning or 1/4 tsp dried oregano and 1/4 tsp dried thyme and 1/2 tsp dried parsley, grapeseed oil, white onion, diced, madras curry powder, all-purpose flour, vegetable stock, fresh ginger root (about 1 1/2-inch piece), garlic, lightly crushed with the side of a knife blade and minced, carrots, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch slices, head cauliflower, separated into florets, head broccoli, separated into florets, yellow squash , cut into 1/4-inch thick slices, zucchini , cut into 1/4-inch thick slices, edamame (japanese lima-type beans), fresh frozen corn, frozen okra , defrosted and sliced crosswise into 1/4-inch pieces, tomato paste, chopped tomatoes, leek tender white and green parts only , soaked in salt water and agitated to remove grit, sliced on the bias into 1/4-inch thick strips, jalapeno pepper, stem and seeds removed and sliced, salt and freshly ground black pepper

chopped brach hi-cup orange slice candy (we found them in the bulk candy case and chopped each 1 into five pieces), chopped pecans, coconut, corn flakes, margarine or 1/2 cup butter, brown sugar, white sugar, vanilla, eggs, flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt

chopped onion, minced garlic, paprika, dried basil, salt, dried oregano, black pepper, fennel seed, crushed, crushed tomatoes in puree, whole tomatoes, undrained, worcestershire sauce, chopped fresh parsley, sugar, lean ground beef (his recipe calls for ground turkey), fresh breadcrumb, chopped onion, grated parmesan cheese, fresh parsley, minced garlic, egg whites , beated till frothy, salt, dried oregano, dried basil, black pepper, nonstick olive oil flavored cooking spray

rotini pasta, firm tomatoes, chopped, celery chopped, bell pepper (color of your choice) chopped, green onions chopped, salt, pepper, your favorite italian salad dressing (hi cal, lo cal, homemade as long as you like it), diced carrots (i prefer shredded here), cucumbers chopped, pepperoni chopped, smoked ham chopped, garlic minced fine

splenda-sweetened red fruit punch, chilled (hawaiian punch or hi-cup is great!), frozen lemonade concentrate, slightly thawed, white grape juice, lemon, sliced

freshly grated ginger, level bar spoons sugar, shochu juice (usually found in concentrate form, dilute first), raspberry flavored rum (recommended : bacardi razz), guava juice, lime juice

sugar, shortening, salt, eggs, water, dry yeast, hi-gluten flour

green tomatoes, sleeve ritz or hi ho crackers crushed, salt, pepper, garlic powder

perfectly chocolate cupcakes (i halved this and got exactly 15), makes 30 regular cupcakes or 96 mini cupcakes, sugar, all-purpose flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, salt, eggs, milk, vegetable oil, vanilla extract, boiling water (i dissolved 1 tbsp of instant coffee into the for half a recipe), coffee meringue (adapted from cupcakes! by elinor klivans), makes enough for 15-18 cupcakes, granulated sugar, water, egg whites, cream of tartar, water, instant coffee granules, chocolate coating (this makes a lot, but you need the chocolate to be deep enough to dip all the cupcakes), semi-sweet chocolate chips, canola or vegetable oil, overall rating on a scale of 1-5, moistness : 5, tenderness : 5