575 grandpa don Recipes

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

mayonnaise, sour cream, dry italian-style salad dressing mix, curry powder, dried minced onion flakes, dried parsley, lemon juice, salt, worcestershire sauce

all-purpose flour, baking soda, white sugar, raisins, egg, beaten, buttermilk, margarine, melted

water, rolled oats, salt, butter, brown sugar, non-dairy creamer, milk, brown sugar

white sugar, light corn syrup, butter, water, salt to taste, vanilla extract, distilled white vinegar (optional), popped popcorn

brown sugar, white sugar, milk, creamy peanut butter, margarine, vanilla extract

sugar, burgundy wine, champagne, chilled, brandy, club soda

white bread , cut into cubes, eggs, beaten, diced prosciutto, diced salami, diced pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, cubed, grated parmesan cheese, chopped fresh parsley, ground black pepper to taste

pearl barley, water, broken dried mushrooms, water, boneless chuck roast, water, chopped fresh parsley, chopped fresh dill, beef broth, kosher salt, pepper

butter, garlic, crushed, shallots, minced, dry sherry or dry white wine, freshly shucked oysters , oyster liquor reserved, whole milk, heavy cream, chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley, sea salt to taste, sweet paprika, oyster crackers

potatoes, cut into 1/2-inch cubes, onion , cut into 1/2-inch pieces, butter, divided, cooked lobster meat , cut into bite-sized pieces, heavy cream, milk, white sugar, salt and pepper to taste

whole chicken, quartered, water, to cover, onion, chopped, stalk celery with leaves, cut into chunks, cubes chicken bouillon, chopped fresh basil, chopped fresh parsley, chopped garlic, salt and ground black pepper to taste, yukon gold potatoes, diced, kohlrabi bulbs, peeled and diced, carrots, sliced, turnip, diced, head cabbage, chopped, ears sweet corn , cut from cob, fresh green beans, trimmed, tomato, chopped

vegetable oil, ketchup, onion, chopped, fresh lemon juice, prepared mustard, hot pepper sauce, worcestershire sauce

distilled white vinegar, worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, hot pepper sauce, barbeque sauce, ketchup

ground beef, chopped onion, ketchup, white sugar, white vinegar, prepared yellow mustard, celery seed, worcestershire sauce, ground black pepper, salt

tomatoes, diced, jalapeno peppers, onions, chopped, sweet bell pepper, chopped, tomato sauce, garlic, salt, red wine vinegar, lime juice, fresh cilantro, chopped, sugar, black pepper

red potatoes, shrimp, drained, sweet onions, finely diced, hard-cooked eggs, sliced 1/8-inch thick, sweet pickles, drained and finely diced, mayonnaise, salt and ground black pepper to taste, paprika , or to taste